My first beer as a child was a Heineken. I instantly turned red, laughed hysterically, and told my mom that my dad was in trouble. Twenty years later, I realized I really don’t like Heineken and I don’t turn red anymore. With a proclivity for a variety of different alcoholic drinks, I’ve eventually chosen my staple favorites. But that first time going out with someone to a bar, and seeing what she orders, can be indicative of her personality. Just like “Listen To Her“, this is just a generalization, so take it as you will.
*edit (somehow forgot to include the whiskey woman. apologies.)
It’s your first date. You sit down at your table, have some small talk, and await your server to come ask that dreaded question. She approaches. “Can I get you started with some drinks?” Luckily, as a gentleman, you let her order first. Now, if she orders a water, the pressure is on you. Will she judge me if I get a whiskey straight up just at dinner? Let’s go through the various things she could order to determine how your date will go.
1) I’ll have a beer.
She’s one of the dudes and doesn’t really care for the color pink. Carbs are the least of her worries, and she enjoys popping open a brewski after a long work day. As a professional of yelling at the TV during sporting events, she couldn’t care less about your opinion. We could launch into a whole sidebar about analyzing what kind of beer she gets, but ain’t nobody got time for that. Headstrong and the son her father never had, she has a better fantasy team than yours. In fact, she’ll argue that everything she does is better than what you do because her competitive nature will never let you live down a loss. You’re going to have to be manly, take charge, and show her you can change a tire. The night can be full of friendly banter, but you have to be ready to have an answer to her every challenge. If she wants to go home with you, she’ll do it on her own terms, so don’t be pushy.
2) Vodka soda please.
You have been staring at her body the whole time. She’s fit, works out at least four times a week, and doesn’t let anyone get in the way of her regimen. A vodka soda is one of the healthiest drinks to order and trust me she knows it. She’s googled it and done the research. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had an app just to count her calories. Details don’t escape her attention, and she’s already judging you for ordering fried calamari as an appetizer. A craver of control, she always needs to be aware of how drunk she is, and rarely lets herself go. If you become a slizzard of a mess, she’s not going to be impressed by how many tough guy shots you took. All she cares about is if you offer her stability. Hey, if that works for you, then you might as well skip dessert and hit the gym together.
3) Water is fine, I don’t drink.
There are three kinds of people I don’t trust in this world. People who have a sense of self-entitlement, people who watch Fox News, and people who don’t drink alcohol. If you are allergic or have a personal reason for not drinking, I respect your decision to the upmost. It’s the ones who just don’t drink because they look down on it, that worry me. Beer and scotch contain such character in their flavor, that it becomes a shame when we use it to just get smashed. Moderation is key, but cutting it out entirely is a tragedy. This girl is going to be uptight the entire time and is probably one of the most judgmental people you’ll ever meet. You having a beer at dinner is going to instantly qualify you for AA and she’s running for the exit when you order a second. If you both don’t drink then maybe it’s meant to be, but just know that you’re going to be a couple that I’m terrified of.
4) Can I see your wine list?
Oh boy. Your hair looks good. You chewed some gum and remembered to wear deodorant. Every part of you is ready for this date to continue swimmingly except your bank account. She reads on her patio. Her candles probably cost more than your favorite bottle of scotch. Her values are refined and her wardrobe projects this. A designer bag, a conservative but fashionable dress, and a pair of heels that aren’t too pretentious, make her glow from head to toe. She deserves the finer things, but she respects a true gentleman who was brought up on chivalry. Open her car door, give her your jacket when it’s cold, and walk her to her door at the end of the night. Actually, you should be doing this anyways. If you haven’t been, then I probably can’t help you.
5) Shot of tequila! Hey, you want one too?
I hope you were paying attention as you walked in because you need to locate your nearest exit. This girl is going to get obliterated on your tab and will woo-hoo, mechanical bull-ride, and drunk-lean on you for the rest of the night. Most people go to Vegas but she goes to Cabo. If you choose to stay, this could be the most adventurous night of your life, but you may not remember it. Throw caution to the wind with this one because she’ll escort you straight to a blackout.
6) Whiskey. Neat.
If anyone has a bitchy resting face, it’s this girl. It’s not cause she hates you, but it’s because she is always in her own thoughts. Her music taste usually requires you to stomp and clap in a barn, and she is extremely particular in what she likes and doesn’t like. You can judge her all you want for how she’s dressed, what she’s eating, or that she has a cigarette after dinner. She doesn’t care. You will say that you bet “she could care less” about what you think. She will correct you and say it’s “you couldn’t care less, but yes. I couldn’t.” Sassy is an understatement and you can compliment her, but you’ll always just complement her. A woman of her own volition, she is fiercely independent, so don’t expect this to be easy by any means. But the witty banter is most of the fun. This is my favorite woman.
On a first date, I usually open with a craft beer and acclimate to a whiskey neat depending on how the chemistry feels. If I’m nervous, I’ll just get a root beer and hope she doesn’t find it childish. Who knows if I’m really nervous. I might not even drink a sip of water. My point is that while I’ve been sitting there judging every move of my female counterpart, she should be doing the same to me. Preconceptions were meant to be broken and you have every right to go against the grain. The stereotypes above are based on my personal experiences, but they are waiting to be challenged.
I like a woman who challenges me. Someone I can’t categorize into my past experiences because she’s incomparable. She could surprise me by taking a shot when we walk into the restaurant and then drink wine for the rest of the night. She will tell me amazing stories but smile coyly instead of telling me the ending. She will have me stumbling to keep up with her just because I have no idea what to expect next. It’s a good thing I’m a better dancer after a few drinks.